How to get your wife to love you again

Having to search for how to make your wife love you again, probably means you’re at your wit’s end at the moment. I suspect you’re feeling very let down, confused, and maybe frustrated and angry.

So, I’m hoping to help you transform your relationship with the aim of making your wife love you again.

I can certainly help to ensure you have the best possible chance of success, but no doubt you’ll realise there’s no guarantee we’re going to be successful.

I can guarantee that you’ll have to work hard since I’m not offering any magic tricks.

Before we start…

Just in case: are you in an abusive relationship?

That doesn’t need to mean your wife has to beat you up.

No, a relationship can be abusive even if you’re ‘only’ being verbally attacked. So, please hop over to my article on the signs of emotional abuse to find out if you need to do something about that. I’ll be here when you come back.

The next thing we need to know is how close your wife is to leaving you?

Is your marriage on the brink of a divorce?

Have you been told your wife doesn’t love you any more or is your relationship dying a slow death?

If your wife has been so direct to tell you that she doesn’t love you anymore, you know where you stand. You’re going to have to fight to save your marriage.

If you’ve been aware that all hasn’t been well for some time without you doing anything about it – the same counts.

It won’t help to beat yourself up about it though. It’s so easy for ‘life’ to get in the way of a loving relationship with all the demands, to keep your job, your business, the commute, family gatherings and the kids (if you have any).

Either way, pay close attention and be prepared to mull over what you’re discovering, learn how it applies to you and your situation, and act on it.

If you still love your wife, it’s well worth fighting for the survival of your marriage. As a couples counsellor, I know that you can bring a marriage back from the brink of divorce.

Background photo: silhouette of man with guitar. Quote: "First best is falling in love. Second best is being in love. Least best is falling out of love. But any of it is better than never having been in love."-Maya Angelou

How likely is it that you can get your wife to love you again?

Naturally, you’re devasted – you’re wanting her to love, respect, admire and cherish you again.

The thing is, though – we can only make someone do something under threat, so it’s seldom a good idea. But, of course, it never works when you want to get someone to love you.

I’m going to assume, therefore, you haven’t already resorted to threatening your wife. You haven’t, I hope, threatened to leave her and ‘take her to the cleaners’. Neither will you have held her to ransom over custody of the children.

I’ve got good news, though.

What you can do is to become the best version of yourself and make use of the best relationship-building tips I can give you!

Let’s first get the following out of the way…

Does your physical relationship happen to be up the spout?

If your wife no longer wants to make love to you, know that it doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t love you anymore!

I can’t tell you how many men I’ve seen as a couples counsellor who were convinced their wife didn’t love them anymore because they appeared to no longer be ‘interested’ in making love! Naturally, they felt rejected, but many (not all!) had worried unnecessarily.

Your action plan

Step 1

If your physical relationship has petered out on account of your wife’s lacklustre approach to it, please visit my article on how to improve female libido. You’ll see that there are many reasons why a woman might have a low libido.

Step 2

Read my article on how to stop arguing. Reason being that you’re going to need to have a difficult conversation with your wife and I suspect your previous attempts at talking about the issue haven’t been particularly successful.

Step 3

Approach the subject with your wife, and rather than demand, be interested in the underlying reasons (which may include that indeed she doesn’t love you anymore) and listen, listen, listen – as learned in step 2!

Has your wife had- or is she still having an affair?

If your wife has been or still is unfaithful, that could indeed be a sign that she doesn’t love you anymore. (Or have you perhaps been unfaithful?)

However, believe it or not, people can take to having an affair even when they’re relatively happy in their marriage.

Nevertheless, infidelity definitely means a crisis in your relationship. If you want to save your marriage, you’ll have to work extra hard at winning your wife back.

6 potential reasons your wife doesn’t love you anymore

Why may your wife have fallen out of love with you?

Here are a few things detrimental to a relationship:

  1. Have you been too absorbed in your work?
  2. Have you spent more time with your friends, sporting interests, television, gaming, etc, than with your wife?
  3. Have you invested in yourself?
  4. Have you treated your wife as you would have wanted to be treated yourself?
  5. Have you taken an interest in her, even if the things she’s interested in bore you to death?
  6. Have you invested time and effort into learning all you can about how to build a healthy relationship?

I’ll help you with a specific plan of action for each ‘misdemeanour’.

Background image: Blue bricks. Text: What to do when your wife has stopped loving you.

1. Your wife feels rejected because you’ve been paying more attention to your work, business and career than her

In my 24 years as a couples counsellor, it’s become clear to me that most men would put their job at # 1 and their relationship #2 Yet their wives are far more likely to put their relationship at the top of their agenda (I know, that’s generalising a bit!).

At the same time, many a man complained that their wife had little interest in them as for her the children always came first.

Clearly, in both cases, couples had lost track of each other as they grew apart.

Whatever has happened in your relationship, it’s now up to you to first start paying your wife more attention. With a bit of luck and hard work, your wife will notice your consistent(!) effort and a genuine wish to make changes.

So here goes…

While you were concerned with your work, your wife changed. You might be thinking that indeed she has changed but not for the better! Perhaps so, but stick with me for now. 

As human beings, we change a little every day. Every conversation we have, everything we read, experience, see and hear, changes us a little. We grow and develop (or not!).

Now you want to get your wife to love you again, it’s necessary for you to really get to know her again.

Here’s what to do…

Your action plan

Read my article on how to stop arguing, whether or not that’s the case. I’d like you to learn to listen and respond in a way that helps her to be ‘seen’ and valued.

I include a worksheet to make it easier to achieve just that. (Worksheet)

How to get online relationship advice

Click the image to discover how you can get online relationship advice from a professional counsellor today…

Circular banner with chat boxes. Text: Get help now. Chat with a professional counsellor

2. Your wife has been feeling hurt and rejected because you’ve spent more time on anything and everything than on her

Talk about why she may not feel valued!

Here’s how to change that…

Your action plan for the next few weeks

Step 1

At this stage, your wife most likely wants space. Therefore, you’re unlikely to achieve anything by clearing your diary to spend time with her. Instead, make time and simply be around to share the chores (if indeed you were lacking in that department) – at least do your bit without complaints and spontaneously take on others.

Step 2

Depending on how your wife receives that over the next two to three weeks, build that up by going along with something she is doing – if she accepts that.

Don’t ‘sulk’ if her response isn’t what you were hoping.

Step 3

Ask what your wife would like to do. Remember, no sulking or manipulating. Be patient! This is your only chance.

3. Have you invested in yourself?

Here’s what I mean by that.

Have you…

  • invested time and energy in developing yourself in any way – emotionally, physically, intellectually and/or spiritually?
  • taken care of your mental health?
  • taken care of your physical well-being?
  • attended appropriately to your personal hygiene?

Lots of women land on my site by way of them having googled: “my husband is boring“. You wouldn’t want that to be your wife, I’m sure.

Neither would you want to be in a position to be so overweight that it’s getting off-putting to your wife (even though, of course, there’s more to you than your good looks!).

We’re all at risk of suffering mental- or physical problems at some point in our life (all too often a combination of those). And, of course, you’d hope that your wife would support you through that.

However, your wife can’t make you better – you need to take charge of healing yourself. That includes taking responsibility for any afflictions such as an addiction, for example.

The point about personal hygiene, I’m sure, needs no further explanation. I’ve added it here only because I know that for some people when life becomes challenging in any way, it can drop to the last item on their list.

Your plan of action

Look at all the things I’ve mentioned in this section and answer the following questions:

What have I not taken responsibility for?

What have I not taken care of?

On which items can I take action today?

Know that even if, unfortunately, you’re not successful in ‘making’ your wife love you again, you can be sure you’ve done all you can to become the best version of yourself. I promise you that it will serve you well if you’re facing the end of your marriage. You’re much more likely to feel stronger in the face of such a difficult time.

4. Have you treated your wife well?

Have you been kind, considerate and honest in all your dealings with your wife? Have you been generous of spirit? Have you been understanding of her needs?

None of us is perfect! Even though, as a couples counsellor, I’m supposed to be an expert on communication, believe you me, I’ve made mistakes too. Not out of ill-will, but often in the moment or simply not having enough of an insight into what I was doing.

Your plan of action

It’s time to be honest with yourself and consider all of the above and answer the following:

  • Have you taken to being emotionally abusive at times?
  • Have you been unfaithful?
  • Have you made an effort to understand your wife’s needs?
  • Have you been there and supported her when she needed you?
  • Have you kept your promises?

I’ve included a worksheet to help you contemplate what you could have done better. It will help you decide what you can do now in an attempt to get your wife to love you again.

Front cover worksheet. Dealing with your relationship problems when your partner isn't interested.

5. Have you taken an interest in your wife?

I understand if you can’t find yourself in what busies your wife. You don’t need to involve yourself in everything she does. However, to (re)build a healthy relationship, your spouse needs to feel that you’re taking a real interest in them.

Your plan of action

Step 1

Read the following articles on communication, paying particular attention to how to listen and respond:

Step 2

Mull over what kind of questions you might like to ask. Here are some examples:

What keeps you busy today? What is worrying you? What are you looking forward too? How was your day? How are you feeling? What did you particularly enjoy today? What did you find challenging today? Tell me more.

Also, do you know who your wife’s friends are, how did she meet them and what still ties her to those friends? What does she enjoy about her work? Who doesn’t she like working with and who encourages her at work? What are the children up to today? (The children should, ideally, be both your concerns. However, in practice, in many (note: I’m not saying “all”) families, much of the responsibility falls on the women, particularly, unfortunately, when any of the children are ill.)

Step 3

Just in your every-day dealings, drop in some of these questions here and there. Be sure not to turn it into an interview by keep asking more and more questions.

Stop doing what you’re doing and pay attention. Stay with what she is telling you. Build a picture in your mind of what it’s like to be in her shoes. Remember the prompts you learned by reading the articles in Step 1.

6. Have you invested time and effort into learning all you can about how to build a healthy relationship?

Doing your best to discover what’s needed to build a healthy relationship is one of the most important points.

Just think for a moment how you might invest time and effort in learning a new skill, sport, hobby, course, training, computer game or even a significant new purchase.

Yet, how easy it is to assume that ‘somehow’ you’d know how to build a healthy relationship. In practice, you may well have been making it up as you go along.

So, if indeed you could do better, now is the time to invest in learning relationship-building skills. There’s no way to know that your wife will love you forever after.

Your plan of action

Read my articles:

Finally

I suspect you’re going through a really tough time right now. Doubtless, you’re scared about what the future may hold when you’re searching for how you can make your wife love you again. I hope, therefore, you’ll be making good use of the action plans. You can start to become the best version of yourself, save your marriage by helping your wife fall back in love with you.

Remember to be patient – nothing significant will happen overnight, but be on the look-out for small changes.

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Your problem is never too big, too small or too embarrassing to get personal advice from a professional counsellor!

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you that you’re able to win your wife back.

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