Relationship Coach, Jenna Ponaman, shares her private story of discovering self-acceptance and authenticity inside herself to be open (and discovering), the absolute best companion for her.
Have you ever discovered your self in a relationship the place you strive so onerous to make it simply the way you pictured it might be, solely to have it finish in whole catastrophe? Me! Me! Soooooo me! I knew precisely who my soul-mate can be (Would have been Orlando Bloom, however I’d accept his Doppleganger) and what my relationship ought to appear to be, and so anytime I’d get into a relationship with somebody I’d nearly instantly strive to take management to get what I needed—I’d plan dates with out giving him the possibility for any enter, I’d name or textual content him on a regular basis to “check in,” telling him I cherished him (regardless that I didn’t actually really feel that means) simply to hear him say it again, and I even discovered myself continuously being the one to seduce him to be sure that we had a wholesome intercourse life.
I used to be checking off all of the objects on my laundry listing of necessities, solely to discover the relationships ending means too quickly. I didn’t understand that—let’s be actual— I used to be being bat-shit loopy. But actually, I overpassed who I used to be and what actually mattered in a relationship. I had gone to date down the rabbit gap of the fairy story of falling in love, that I forgot about what love really meant to me.
My “ah-ha” second sadly got here when the particular person I used to be making an attempt so onerous to change turned out to be an abusive companion.
The extra I attempted to management him, change him, or repair him, the more durable it was for me to see that solely factor that wanted change or fixing was me. I spent a lot power making an attempt to management the state of affairs that I misplaced management of myself—I misplaced my voice, my power, my id—I misplaced all of it. Being in an abusive relationship was onerous and traumatizing, however the silver lining turned so obvious after I realized this man was reflecting to me precisely what I had develop into, and precisely what I now not needed to be. If I didn’t really feel snug and protected in my very own pores and skin and protected with who I used to be, how may I create a protected surroundings with one other particular person? I spotted then that the important thing to creating the relationship I needed with a companion was to first reclaim the relationship I needed with myself.
So how within the hell do I do THAT?! Even after going by way of heartbreak after heartbreak, realizing I needed to make the change, management was nonetheless so onerous to let go. I needed love, and I needed it now. As onerous because it was to management my relationships, change was even more durable. This is my life we’re speaking about right here, how will I do know it’ll work?
The very first thing I had to do was cease specializing in the damaging “What if’s”—What if it doesn’t work out? What if I don’t discover anybody? What if I’m not ok? Etc.—and begin specializing in the positives, akin to what qualities of myself I’m actually happy with. Then I requested myself, “What would my life be like if I could redefine “perfectionism” as being precisely who I’m, quirks and all, and actually taking possession of that? What type of relationship might be created if I had the braveness to stand in my authenticity, and be utterly indifferent from whether or not or not that particular person is attracted to who I’m, as a result of I do know I’m excellent as I’m, and I deserve to be with somebody who sees me as simply that, and won’t accept something much less?
This was my final empowering second. When I used to be lastly ready to embrace my uniqueness, every part modified. Sure, I had some relationships that also ended, however they have been removed from unsuccessful. Each relationship, regardless of how lengthy or quick, was a lovely expertise the place I bought to be precisely who I needed to be, and my companion was ready to categorical who they have been in type. We shared laughs, we shared cries, we shared openness and created recollections we every, to at the present time, treasure. I nonetheless keep friendships with a few of these males, as a result of the bond we had was so nice from particular person to particular person. The second lastly got here after I met my present companion, and with that companion I’ve created the precise relationship I, deep down, needed all alongside. He is just not my Orlando Bloom, he isn’t something on that first check-off listing—he’s a reflection of the love and happiness I’ve found inside myself, and he’s pure, unconditional love, quirks and all.
My life is full, and my life is considerable, not simply because I discovered my companion, however I discovered me.