So you’re out on a first date, and as you wait for your date to come into the restaurant, he strides in with a huge bouquet of 24 red roses.
The thought immediately goes through your mind, you finally met a real man. Who has class, etiquette and more?
Is he a real man? Is he following courtship protocol? Or a love bomber?
For the past 28 years, number one best-selling author, counselor and life Coach David Essel has been helping individuals in the world of dating understand the difference between courtship and love bombing.
Below, David describes the differences, which is extremely important if you want to make sure that you’re in the world of dating with someone who is sincere, authentic and real.
“Several months ago my client called me all excited. We were doing our sessions via the phone as she lived in a different part of the country, and I’d helped her get over an 8-year relationship break up, that had devastated her deeply.
As I do with all my clients, I recommend after a long relationship like that, to not date for 365 days in a row. As a way to get grounded, centred, release resentments and actually be happy in life as a single person.
While only nine months had passed, she was ready to get back into the world of dating. And she wanted to tell me all about this amazing man she had just met.
He drove over to her house, to meet down the street for coffee, an almost 2-hour drive, for him to spend 15 minutes with her over coffee.
She was quite impressed he was willing to do that from the get-go.
As they had coffee and talked, he was setting up plans to see her every day for the next five days. Which felt a little overwhelming but she was so excited to have a man that wanted to be with her so badly.
Then he started the typical dating lines, “Your eyes are more beautiful than any eyes I’ve ever seen. Your smile is simply radiant. I’ve never met a woman who is so gorgeous, and so intelligent.“
As he was laying on the compliments, she was getting so excited, almost giddy, that a man could be so gracious and kind and more.
And when he told her, that he’s willing to go and rent them both scooters to ride along the beach. And that if she ever had anything wrong with her house, he would love to come in and fix it at no charge because that’s the kind of work he did.
And if she wasn’t busy the following week he wanted to set up some more dates and fun things that they could do together. She was overwhelmed with joy.
Was this a normal courtship event? Or was it love bombing?
Over the next several weeks, even though I had counseled her on cutting back the amount of time she was seeing this man, she was enthralled with his willingness to do anything and everything for her the minute she asked.
During one of our sessions, I told her to be careful, that even though she had a two-story house that if she asked him to put 40 more stories on top he would probably start the construction project the next day.
I was laughing, she was too, but I was trying to bring the point home: this is not normal in the world updating.
And then, her whole world came crashing down.
When she started to feel a little overwhelmed with his presence and followed my advice to tell him that she could only see him a few days of the month, he started berating her.
Words of a love bomber
“After all, I’ve done for you, now you’re pulling back? A great woman would appreciate everything I’m doing, and want to spend even more time with me. I don’t understand how ungrateful you can be with everything I’ve already done.“
Those are the words of a love bomber.
A love bummer is incredibly insecure. So to cover up their insecurity, they overwhelm their potential partner, or what I would rather say their potential victim, with gifts, compliments and more.
Acts of service?
Oh my God, they will do anything to serve their new victim, to pull them into the emotional and physical web that they are weaving as they set the hook which is quite different than courtship dating.
To make it clear, women can do this as well. Years ago I remember dating a woman who went out of her way to buy me clothes, drop off my favourite dinners at my office, make my favourite cake. She was setting the hook in me, and for a period of time, it worked.
So what does normal courtship look like?
I think it’s fine if a guy wants to buy his date flowers on the first day, but walking into a restaurant with 24 roses, or 48 roses, or one of the other clients that I helped get away from a lot of bombers, he sent a limo to pick her up, he was not in the limo, with 128 roses inside.
Pure love bombing.
In the world of courtship, a secure man would never need to do things to try to set the hook and win a woman over. Nor, would a woman have to go out of her way to try to set the hook with a man that she was interested in.
And then we look at the above individual‘s reaction when my client started to pull back and set boundaries, he lost it.
Love bombers, when you try to set boundaries will do one of two things:
- They’ll get upset. And try to use shame and guilt to get you back into their web.
- They will just disappear. The game is over for them, they ’ve been caught, and when limitations and boundaries are put on the bomber, they might just disappear forever.
A healthy person, when their potential partner is saying they need a little bit more space, will totally understand that, back off, and give the person space to breathe in order to see if the relationship is worth pursuing.
Love bombers are manipulators
Love bombers are manipulators. Insecure. And will do anything and everything they can to try to get you in bed or to try to get you to commit to them for multiple dates ahead of time.
One of my other clients, decided to go back and begin dating a guy she was with for years ago, even though the relationship was filled with chaos and drama for the eight years they dated before this long layoff.
And what did her former boyfriend do to try to set the hook this time?
He sent her a text saying that here was his agenda: to spend three days together at an oceanfront resort this month, next to go to Jamaica for four days, the following month to go to a wedding in Canada of one of his former college roommates, and the next month spend Christmas in New York City.
That my friends are love-bombing.
If you need help, and you’re unsure if the person who you’re dating is a love bomber, re-read the above examples.
Secure, healthy people don’t need to win you over with gifts, Ongoing compliments and more. They trust in the process. They are strong, centred and happy without dating anyone.
The love bomber? Quite the opposite.
Love Bombers are incredibly insecure
They are incredibly insecure. They want to buy their way into your heart. Manipulate their way into your heart or compliment their way into your heart or even worse, plan the next two months for you, and before you know it you’re in a full-blown relationship with a manipulative love bomber.
Slow it down.
There’s no need to rush and commit to anyone, take your time, and get professional help if you’re unsure you’re headed into choppy waters in the world of dating.“
David Essel‘s work has been endorsed by individuals like the late Wayne Dyer, and celebrity Jenny McCarthy says “David Essel is the new leader of the positive thinking movement.“
His 10th book, another number one bestseller, is called “focus! Slay your goals… The proven guide to huge success, a powerful attitude and profound love.“